Honoring the duality of light + dark...
My mother died just before the summer solstice. The diagnosis went from headaches to lung cancer to … it’s spread to her brain and there’s no hope, in about 5 weeks. I still struggle to find the best words to describe that time in my life. If I had to choose one –
Intense.
Yes, that was the overarching theme, intensity.
Helplessly watching someone you love decline and decay, it’s extremely intense. It shakes you to your core. It challenges you to dig deep, in order to put aside your deepest darkest feelings of despair… for later. Because you know they’re not going anywhere. They’ll be waiting for you to unpack and unravel for years to come.
I had no choice but to compartmentalize those dark feelings so that I had the light energy to sit in the darkness with her. I was being called to shine my light in the darkest days of our heartbreaking transition. Our transition of a physical relationship to a spiritual one.
Her death would change me forever. It would put my healing journey into overdrive and crack me open wider than I ever thought possible. It would teach me to dance with my shadows and that from my darkest tunnels came my brightest light.
From the depths of my heart, I share this mantra with you.
I invite you to place one hand on your womb, the other on your heart, breathe deeply, Repeat this as many times as feels good for your soul on this summer solstice, new moon, and solar eclipse…
*From my darkest tunnel shines my brightest light*
This past Sunday was the 5th anniversary of my mom’s death, her death day, I suppose. We make death so somber and sad. It is…I’ve felt that sadness and despair deeper than I thought possible these past 5 years. It’s always an emotional week, the week just before the summer solstice.
Short fuses, shouting and tears always seem to be part of the mix.
Things that normally wouldn’t phase me, can completely break me.
Processing the death of someone you love from the depths of your soul. Someone you’ve known you’re entire existence, like from the time you were the size of a speck of dust…
It’s INTENSE for anyone.
If you’re a highly sensitive empath let’s quadruple that. We are insanely deep processors, that takes time. They don’t call me the turtle for nothin’.
This year I’ve spent time processing the last night she spent in her body. Talk about intense. She was in so much pain. Refusing medication, water, and food. It was evident that her end was near. But I sensed her concern and need for reassurance, guidance. At this point she wasn’t able to talk, she barely moved. Accept when she attempted to scoot over, only days before she passed. She was making room so I could crawl in beside her and nuzzle in. That would be our very last snuggle. I will feel that moment branded on my heart forever. Breathing and sleeping together as mother and daughter, one last time.
Other than that, every so often she’d tap my arm with her finger to communicate something.
On that last night, I felt her soul struggling to let go. From the outside looking in, I knew it was her time. One thing was crystal clear. I was the one being called to hold the space for her, to shine the light through the darkness. She needed to hear from me. My challenge was to get through all of the pain and the cancer swimming through her brain making her someone she was not. I needed to get through to her that it was OK to let go, that we were all going to take care of each other, how much we’d miss her, and how grateful we were for all she did for our family…that we just wanted her to be at peace.
The only way through was with pure, LIGHT…
Unconditional LOVE.
In the middle of the night, we heard her struggling, moaning. The energy of her discomfort and the undeniable approach of her death hung heavy throughout the house. Slowly we all filtered into the den and gathered around the hospital bed where she lay, a shell of the once vibrant woman she was.
All of us gathered around her bedside holding each other with one hand and touching her with the other. The utter sadness, heartbreak, and LOVE in that room was beyond INTENSE. It weaved it’s way around like a thick warm blanket comforting us in Death’s cold darkness.
This is the image I see so clearly every June. But this year I realized something. Her death was the week before the summer solstice, in the northern hemisphere. A beautiful time to honor the duality of light and dark. The longest daylight of the year and when the darkness slowly begins to return, that’s the summer solstice in a nutshell.
This image will be the bittersweet reminder that honoring the duality of light and dark is not only possible, but it’s also imperative.
I spoke gently from the depths of my heart, making sure to share everything I knew she needed to hear at that moment. One of my aunt’s performed Reiki to help soothe the pain and speed the transition. This was long before I was attuned, otherwise, I’d have been doing it right alongside her. Soon enough my mother fell asleep and seemed to be breathing with less struggle.
EXHALE…that was a tough moment in time.
The last time I saw her alive.
It was INTENSE.
We all returned to bed.
I prayed for her to pass.
She died early the next morning.
Honestly, it was a relief.
She was finally at peace.
The gratitude I feel for having that precious moment is beyond measure. All of us there with her, sharing our energy and infusing her with our love and support just before she crossed over. This memory that’s etched in my mind so deeply, will return each year before the Summer Solstice.
Every June since her death I’ve been searching for a meaningful way to honor her passing. A way to shine more light and remember the beauty. Last year I released a song I wrote about losing her, over social media, you can listen here on IGTV. I’ll play it every year, but I still longed for a ritual to share with my family.
Must’ve been a 5 year anniversary gift from mom!
Earlier in the week I masked up and headed into the grocery store. The very first thing I saw when I walked in was yellow roses, her favorite flower.
Instantly I heard her voice in my head…
“You’re getting them, who cares what they cost and so what if it’s not on your list. You can smell them every morning and think of me, my darling girl.”
So I bought those gorgeous yellow roses and placed them in a vase near the picture window overlooking Luna Garden. Throughout the day, I would “stop and smell the roses” smile and feel a nudge against my heart from my momma.
Then on Sunday, her death-day, it came to me.
That afternoon my kids and husband joined me in the garden, each of us holding a yellow rose, which smelled divine. Together in our fairy garden nearest to one of my most favorite trees on the land, we shared a moment of silence in her honor.
We shared our hearts with her.
Then we simultaneously scattered the rose petals over the ground. I took a deep breath and felt her love swirling all around us. By some streak of luck or perhaps the magic of my mom everyone left the house shortly after. My daughter went to play outside at a friend’s house and the boys went on a bike ride.
I was gifted quiet alone time to honor the duality of light and dark, so naturally, I headed straight for my Oracle decks. My mother nudged me as soon as I laid eyes on the Divine Feminine Oracle, by Meggan Watterson. I grabbed it along with the blown glass heart paperweight that sits at the center of many of my altars. It used to sit on her desk, the desk I’m typing this blog post on.
I returned to our spot, sat upon the stone wall, yellow rose petals at my feet and began to breathe. A wind kicked up from the south and ushered in her beautiful loving energy, I could feel her. I meditated and prayed. I talked to my mother and asked her to bring forth the most potent messages she had for me using the Oracle cards.
“Talk to me through the cards, momma,”
I whispered into the garden.
I asked for the messages that connected all aspects of my life. I shared how uncertain and fragile the world is right now. I told her that I felt called to spread love, to be the light. I wanted reassurance from my mother that I was on the right path.
I asked for clarity moving forward and WOW did she deliver.
The first card I pulled, Teresa of Avila, our lady of the interior life…
Excerpt from the guidebook…
“She urges us to meditate, to pray, to go inward and meet with the presence of the soul. And then she asks for us to believe that it is real and that the answers we find are real. She asks us to move that inner truth out into the world with confidence and conviction.”
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time you know this is one of my main practices and missions. I encourage quiet time alone, to just BE, time to quiet the chaos, tune in to the inner wisdom we have within us. I believe that we all have access to the divine within our very own souls. We just need to listen, then we can HEAR HER, the wise, intuitive, compassionate goddess living at our core.
I’ll take that as confirmation to continue doing this work, thanks ladies.
The second card I pulled introduced, Marguerite Porete, The Mystic of Divine Love.
Excerpt from the guidebook…
“The true source of love for us is in the fact that we are a soul, and that the soul is in union with the divine. She reminds us when we’ve forgotten that love is the essence of who we are. And that true love is found within…This is a time to own and know this truth more fully. It is the most profound and radical act we can ever take: knowing the love we already are.”
I have a tendency, like most humans to look outside of myself for acceptance, for answers, reassurance and yes, love. This is also why I teach and encourage women to make time for sacred space, time to turn inward. Creating this kind of space allows you to feel that deep connection to your soul and the love that lives within. We’re taught to question our inner voice, to compare ourselves to others, and to seek approval from the outside world. All this does is bring us further away from love, the very essence of who we are.
I’m grateful for the reassurance and guidance this message brings, thanks, momma.
A sign to keep doing the inner and outer work.
The final message my mother sent came through the beautiful Sarada Devi,
the Divine Mother.
Excerpt from the guidebook…
“The goal here is for us to love ourselves fiercely from within, without judgment or shame for where we are in the moment. The goal is to let us mother ourselves with unconditional love. That’s the only love that will quiet those harsh, critical voices within us. So we can stop wasting our time mired in judgement of others or ourselves, and get on with being the perfectly imperfect light that we are.”
This was the lesson, the work my mother needed the guidance to do. When I pulled this card I realized how incredibly beneficial the work I do for myself and share with my community would’ve been for my mom. Unraveling all the brainwashing of the patriarchy, learning to truly love yourself, understand, know, and honor yourself…accepting yourself without judgment or shame. Watching your language (how you talk to yourself) and loving yourself fiercely from within.
That’s the holistic medicine she needed.
We all need it.
This was my confirmation, my purpose is clear…
To spread Love. Light. Meditation. Affirmation. Prayer. Celebration. Honor. Wisdom.
To inspire women to quiet the chaos, tune in, and HEAR HER!
So they can learn to know, understand and honor ALL of themselves.
So they can shine their brightest light into the world, exactly the way they feel called to.
It was quite magical actually, sitting in the fairie garden playing with my momma and the cards. After reading the last message from the guidebook I looked up and the brightest most beautiful yellow bird flew right past me and landed in the tree across from where I sat.
Another sign of love, reassurance, and guidance.
What a gift to experience some light in what usually is such a dark time for me. If you’re struggling with the loss of someone you love, I invite you to find a ritual that shines light in their honor. If you’d like to learn more about how you can honor the summer solstice, the duality of light and dark, check out this blog post.
Sending many blessings your way on this Summer Solstice, New Moon, and Solar Eclipse.
With love + sensitivity,
Heather xo