Soul Survival

After my mother died unexpectedly in the summer of 2015, I crashed pretty hard.

Rock bottom. 

I was about three years into my healing journey, which had been such a blessing. I can only imagine what this experience would’ve done to me if I hadn’t spent the last few years doing incredibly difficult inner work. 

I was in therapy weekly and my growth was happening at lightning speed. I was slowly awakening to how brainwashed I was to ridiculous expectations, to my ego, to the shadow squad inside my brain treating me like shit and to the beautiful seed of light inside me that was being dimmed by outside forces. 

I was releasing so much and finally understanding that I was not personally to blame for well... 

EVERYTHING!

Especially not for my beautiful sensitivity.

I’ve always been ridiculously hard on myself and incredibly nasty to myself. My inner thoughts, the way I talked to myself, thought about myself…ugh, thinking back to it is a bit horrifying really. So much gratitude for my therapist, the wise and compassionate Dr. Jilly. With her guidance and tools, I was able to eventually shift my thoughts and my language. 

Therapy was my key to learning one of the most valuable and important lessons. How to “watch my language” and take note of the kind of energy I was putting on my sensitive soul.

“Would you say something like that to your daughter or to your best friend if they came to you for guidance,” asked Dr. Jilly?

MIND BLOWN! 

Of course I wouldn’t, that would be insensitive and mean…

So why in the world was I talking to myself with such disgust and annoyance? I began to work tirelessly at becoming more aware of how I spoke to myself and about myself.

If you’re nasty to yourself, if your inner voice berates you most of the time, just PAUSE and become AWARE of what you said and how it made you feel. 

You won't be able to change this behavior overnight, but just being aware of this behavior will help you shift it. Then allow yourself to be a bit more gentle and practice awareness ALL DAY LONG. 

I’m living proof you can go from being a completely obnoxious bitch to yourself to being compassionate, gentle and understanding. 

It feels divine. Truly.

Early on in therapy, I was just starting to understand why I was always on overload and what being a highly sensitive empath meant. Though I’d barely scratched the surface on how it was affecting me, my constant state of overwhelm was making more sense by the day.

The fog of depression and anxiety was merely a haze by the time my mom got sick. I was really seeing the light, on my way to being the light, well believing in my light really. That foundation of hope and that glimmer of light would usher me through the dying and death of my sweet loving mother. 

SO much gratitude to myself...for doing the inner work.

It was a relief when she died honestly. She was declining so quickly. She was in such terrible pain and the treatment wasn’t helping, it was making her weaker, sicker. Her death was imminent, I actually prayed for it to come swiftly. Still, it hit me like a ton of bricks the morning she passed, right in the heart … 

shattered into a million pieces. 

Life, as I knew it for just shy of 40 years was forever changed.

Slowly but surely depression and anxiety slithered back through me. The darkness started seeping back in, but I could still see the light, feel it buried in the depths of my sadness. I have come to see, to feel, that losing her was an important part of my journey as awful as it was.

All the while the universe was working its magic and I was falling gracefully into the dance. I was feeling my emotions, letting them out. Screaming. Crying. The darkness felt different this time. Heavier yet strangely fresh. A rebirth of sorts. I was learning to dance in the darkness and to feel my emotions without judgment. Therapy was helping me move mountains and I was surrendering to the pain and committed to making changes in my life. 

In the fall of 2016, I signed up for a free Women’s Summit. In true highly sensitive fashion, I only listened to a couple of the 20 something women. Those summits can be insanely overwhelming. How magical that it was exactly the light I needed at that moment.

Listening to one of the women talk about being an emotional eater…it was like she was speaking directly to my tortured soul. I’d struggled with this for as long as I could remember. She understood me like no one ever had and we didn’t even know each other. This empowered me to join my first online course. Live More Weigh Less with the lovely, wise and magical Miss Sarah Jenks.

I was nervous to join, to be vulnerable and to share with a group. I’d never done anything like this and it was intimidating. Spending that kind of money on something like this, on me…it was sadly hard to imagine at the time. Now I understand I’m investing in myself, my growth.

As an incentive to join early she was giving away some pretty sweet gifts...

-Love + Roses body mist by Olivine

-Anthropology gift card

-beautiful mala

-Daily Love cards by Olivine

Such a lovely gift all packaged together in a cream-colored drawstring bag signed: 

Enjoy! 

Sarah xo 

Today I keep some of my oracle decks in it. A constant reminder of my courage and strength in saying YES to my personal growth. 

That beautiful daily love deck sparked my love affair with Oracle Cards. Their simplicity and beauty touched my heart and soul each time I used them. They still do. A couple of years after my mom passed I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

The universe just kept throwing things at me. It was exhausting, but I didn’t back down. I didn’t allow my light to dim any further. 

Being where I was, a highly sensitive deer in headlights, trying to process EVERYTHING that had just happened for me, not to me, I needed something to help ground me and it had to be simple. Life was still happening. My kids and my husband needed me and I was determined to be there for them, with them. 

I started lighting candles, taking some deep breaths with my eyes closed, praying and working through my exhausting past few years. Then I would pull three cards. They never ceased to amaze me. Spot on every time. The divine medicine I needed to hear, at my fingertips. 

My inner wisdom was getting a chance to play, to be heard. We were connecting on such a deep, heartfelt level. The whispers were becoming more audible and the cards were allowing us to communicate. 

 

I’ve never been a religious person. I always loved celebrating the holidays and the ceremony around them, the community, how it brought a family together... but I just never really connected to the content or the ideas. It was missing something for me. So this new practice would open a much needed spiritual door for me. 

Slowly the cards, the ceremony of it all became like 

Soul-Survival.

The messages, the guidance, the love, support and reassurance coming from this deck of cards drew me in deeper to my own divinity, my own power, my own magic...

my inner wisdom. 

I could finally HEAR HER.

The wise, sensitive, compassionate, loving goddess that was living at my core protecting my soul. 

In sacred space, the cards helped me release into my journal, my voice, my body and often through my tears. These cards combined with the ceremony I would create around them were exactly the medicine I needed to feel held, connected and empowered. 

Losing my mother was the most difficult thing I’ve gone through in this lifetime. I’m so grateful to Sarah for sending me this oracle deck and for Julie who created them. Thanks to these women I found a beautiful unique way to honor myself and my sensitivities.

The call to share this beautiful practice has grown so strong for me. Three years and 10 Oracle Decks later I’ve decided to answer this wild call. 

Allow me to be the light for you. 

Imagine what it would feel like to have an Oracle Ceremony in your honor designed to bring you closer to your magic, your power and your inner wisdom? Intrigued? Email me at divinelysensitive@gmail.com for details.

It would be my great honor to hold this space for you. 

Do you make space for yourself to get quiet and tune in? What are your favorite practices? How do you honor yourself? Let me know in the comments.

With love + sensitivity,

Heather xo